who's to blame?

I’ve been thinking about blame lately and what it means. Why do we have this word? We have other words, in fact words we use to define blame. To accuse. To find fault. But those words feel less personal.

I may accuse you of squeezing the toothpaste tube in the middle. Or I may find fault with the way you left my driver’s seat and rear view mirror in a different position. Those seem more like facts to me. But I might blame you if too much toothpaste squirts out or if I can’t parallel park my car. Same but different. What do you think?

I believe that words are important. I believe that it’s not just what we say but how we say it that shapes our demeanor. Our word choices influence our beliefs about ourselves and each other.

Blaming frequently is directed outward. It permits us to avoid responsibility and disparages an actor at the same time. Even the phrase I blame myself has a tinge of running myself down. So, then I wonder what purpose blaming serves; is it to elevate ourselves above others, to simply demean others, to deflect accountability?

We all screw up. Accountability is very important whether it’s nations, corporations, politicians, spouses, children or friends. We can always do better, even when we’re doing pretty good! But blaming short-circuits progress. I think that blaming is a non-growth activity. Pay attention to the things you blame. Pause and look deeper. Is there a more productive way to express it?

Part of what got me thinking about this was Witter Bynner’s 1944 The Way of Life (also known as the Tao Te Ching). I happened to be reading several versions of the Tao Te Ching, specifically verse 47, for some research I was doing last week. Here’s Bynner’s take.

There is no need to run outside

For better seeing,

Nor to peer from a window. Rather abide

At the center of your being;

For the more you leave it, the less you learn.

Search your heart and see

If he is wise who takes each turn:

The way to do is to be.

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8/31/2026