gratitude isn't owed; it is owned

Accusing a party of “zero gratitude” for help given entirely perverts the concept of gratitude. During this week of our national holiday of giving thanks, of being grateful, of speaking our gratitude – silently in prayer or contemplation or publicly as many do at the Thanksgiving dinner table – let us look at the idea of gratitude.

Before 1447, gratitude meant good will. Later, in 1565, we have the first recorded text where the word means thankfulness or a kindly feeling because of favor received. In both cases, the word was derived from the word grace meaning God’s favor or help as it was used in the Ancrene Riwle written in the early 1200s.*

I would guess that the idea of gratitude has been with us for much longer than that. And while you may have had times where you’ve done a favor, acted generously, assisted someone, if you have ever had any expectation of gratitude in return, then perhaps you should look at your reasons for extending your favors. Because that’s a transaction, not a kindness. Favors or gifts or kindnesses given with an expectation of something in return (and I deplore using the word kindness there) is nothing more than a trade.

Kindness is given freely, without expectation. Gratitude is given freely, without obligation.

In our modern times, there are hundreds of self-help books and podcasts and websites that may tell us to count our blessings. To be grateful. To let go of expectations and just be. All that is fine advice but actually following it may be challenging. And it is definitely a challenge when someone expects our gratitude. Beware of those who do. They have their own interests at heart, not yours. And check yourself if you are expecting gratitude. What's really going on there?

Gratitude is a feeling, not a payment. It is yours, not someone else’s. Gratitude is not owed. It is owned. It is yours to give as you see fit.

*The Chambers Dictionary of Etymology, © 1988

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11/24/2025