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For shame


I’ve been thinking a lot about shame this week. Why do we shame each other? Why do people in power (parents, bosses, officials) shame their subordinates (kids, employees, citizens)? Why is it so sticky; so hard to disempower? Why do we believe something about ourselves that we know is not true? And why, for Pete’s sake, do we harbor it for so long?


One argument that shame is evolutionary gives this example: A parent sees their child heading toward danger, say a busy swimming pool, raises their voice and shouts loudly. This is a good thing because it might save their child’s life. The kid’s response is alarm. But they might equally feel ashamed for being publicly called out, an intense, negative feeling, not able to understand the potential risk or the parent’s fright. They just have this really bad feeling of shame and confusion. How things go from there will depend on everything that comes afterward – the child’s response and the parent’s subsequent, immediate reactions. What came from an impulse of protection can grow into responsible self-care or it can devolve into a fear of swimming pools and swimming.


Evolution aside, most of us will happily survive moments of shame that we all experience, but parents who pointedly or persistently shame their kids (or bosses shaming employees, etc.) set the stage for the rest of that person’s life. Say you’ve got a mom who is very concerned with her figure so she strictly limits her own calorie intake, but she also berates her kids for eating too much, all while constantly bemoaning the pitfalls of avoiding her own weight gain. Mom’s problem becomes the daughter’s and son’s shame, and long after Mom is gone, the damage remains.


Shame often presents as something else: depression, anger, social anxiety and any number of other difficulties. So many of us have been carrying shame around for so long that we don’t even know that’s what it is. We just live our lives, often quite productively, but we are carrying a yoke around that someone else put on us, and don’t realize why moving forward feels like such a slog sometimes.


From passing remarks to patterns of thought and speech, listen to how you speak to others. Be aware of the impact of your words. Be a good human by being good to other humans. All of them. Like the expression goes, If you haven’t got anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. And, if you carry shame with you, know two things: 1) that feeling started as somebody else’s problem, not yours; and 2) there are ways to lighten your load.


You are not alone. Here’s one place to start.


11/25/24

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