You know how sometimes you just feel out of sorts? Does that ever happen to you? I have had a serious case of the out-of-sorts for the last 48 hours or so. I knew it. I certainly felt it. Of course, I could not put my finger on why.
And that's the point. So, the only thing I could do was ride it out.
As such, every subsequent event turned out to be another trigger for more irritation and contrariness. I thought I'd sit in my backyard and just read the paper or work on the crossword. Turns out my neighbor's teenager also thought it was a great day to sit outside by their pool and play music. Loudly. I tried to tune it out. Hmm, is that Phish? What is that? Man, doesn't she know how loud that is? Oh! The Beatles. I love this song. Ew. Rod Stewart? Meh...
It went on and on, all in my head until I decided it was time to head to the grocery store. That girl just took the parking spot I was headed for. Ugh. Whatever. I saw a guy with really dark circles under his eyes and I think he knew I was looking at his eyes. Hmmm. Oops. Oh, there's a cute couple and she's wearing a really cute tank top. I think that was the one I was going to order. Of course, she also has the body and tone of the model in the catalogue...it would NEVER look that good on me. I really like it though. Pffft.
This kind of mood is just awful. At least it is for me. And, yet, even while I dislike it, I knew I was deeply in it and I couldn't extricate myself. Not all the breathing, all the walking meditation, all the lessons I knew so well could lift me from my funk.
I got home, unloaded the groceries, fired up the grill outside and began to saute the onions in the kitchen. I went to the front door to just lock up...it has been broken since a crazy wind blew the storm door off its hinges and the replacement is on order...and I pulled it shut really tight like you have to now so I wasn't really looking as I pinched my thumb -- hard! -- in the latch.
That was it. Oh, it hurt! Ow, ow, ow! And then the tears came. It was really painful and I ran to the sink to run cold water on it. And I tried to breathe. In, out, in, out, in, out....Man! Ow...Breathe in, breathe out. And tears and more tears. What the heck? After a while, I began to feel better. All the way around. Breathing in, breathing out. Knowing that feelings pass. And that they come, sometimes from who-knows-where, and they go.
And I realized tomorrow is my Mom's birthday and she's been gone five years now and I really miss her. And the tears kept coming for a while more. And then I really began to feel better.